I want to preface this post with the fact that although writing about this can be very difficult and probably a little too much information, it is incredibly therapeutic to just get it all out and share what a remarkable experience I've had. It's a bit jumbled from writing it on my phone, but it gets the point across and details recorded. Receiving support from family and friends reading this is just what I need now and I've recognized that. I also want to be sure that I record my spiritual experience so that I can be reminded of how much God personally loves and knows me. I'm truly blessed to be His daughter.
I had no problems getting pregnant with either Josh or Audree, so it was only natural to feel like there would be no troubles this time around and that in just a few short weeks I would have a positive pregnancy test and we'd be on our way.
At the day of my missed period I took a pregnancy test and got a negative. During the next week I had another 2 negatives, but I still hadn't started. Starting every 28-30 days was very normal to me, so I was just thinking I was pregnant but that my HCG levels weren't high enough to record. Same thing happened with Audree where we didn't get a positive until a week after my supposed period date. This time we didn't get a positive until 11 days late on Friday the 7th, and were very excited!!
There was something very different about this positive result though. As soon as I looked down at the test and saw a positive I had a very clear and strong voice in my head tell me, "You are going to have a miscarriage and you are going to be just fine."
Later that day, the kids and I left for Utah for my family's annual reunion trip that this year was in St. George. Jake stayed back for rotations and He was scheduled to leave to drive up Sunday for a 2 week stay in Spokane, WA, but his car broke down Saturday leaving him in Idaho Falls for those 2 weeks instead. We later realized this as a tender mercy from The Lord.
Over the next few days I was excited, but hesitant to share the news with my mom. She was surprised, thrilled and after never being able to surprise her before with pregnancy news I had finally gotten what I wanted. Having that miscarriage thought still in the back of my mind, it was hard to really get excited without thinking of that possibility though. I continued through the next days fine, but...
I woke up Wednesday morning spotting. It was light and only pink in color. I had spotted with both of my kids before at about 9 weeks, but it was very light and stopped. So initially I wasn't too worried about it, but as the morning progressed I noticed it getting bright red and picking up, and I knew this was it.
I couldn't help but sob as I was realizing what was happening. As shocking as it was, I was still pretty much expecting it, but it was still so emotionally overwhelming. My mom held me close and we quickly were able to get my stepdad and brother in to give me a priesthood blessing. Family without hesitation took over care of the kids and we headed out to the instacare. Instacare couldn't help with the miscarriage, so off to the ER we had to go.
After checking in, getting 7 tubes if blood drawn, and after a blank ultrasound, the blood results had confirmed it. I had a very early miscarriage at just 6 weeks gestation. We finished up our 3 hour ER visit with a Rhogham shot and were on our way.
Through all of this I couldn't help but remember what the spirit had whispered to me just a few short days before. "You are going to have a miscarriage and you are going to be just fine." God had prepared me for this moment in the best way that He knew how. Why would He do that?
Throughout the day I couldn't help but feel that He prepared me for this as a way to show His love and comfort. There were also many "coincidences" that i later realized to be tender mercies and blessings directly from God.
Jake who otherwise would have been in Spokane had a car that broke down and was quickly able to catch a shuttle to SLC to catch a flight to St. George to be with me that same day. I was surrounded by entire family while on vacation to watch over my kids and shower me with love and support as soon as I walked back through the door, where as if I were at home I would have only been able to receive that love from a distance. That in-person love is just what I needed to build me back up.
So, even though this is a difficult time considering the loss of that pregnancy, I'm incredibly blessed and I have a very strong testimony and realization that this was meant to happen and that The Lord has a reason for it. I know I will meet that sweet spirit child of mine someday and that the timing of children in this life because of that miscarriage is for a specific reason that will be best for me and my family. I have and will continue to have my emotionally down moments, but this experience had humbled me to remember that my life is not in my hands but His and what a blessing that is. I now look at my own children here with more depth and love than ever before. Having children is a miracle and I'm truly blessed to be a mother to my sweet Joshua and Audree. Hopefully we can be blessed with more children in the future, but until then I can only look at my life and be grateful for all that I do have.
